Compassion leads to connection and     connection leads to compassion

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       Communication involves both intuition and learned skills. It is a set of valuable concepts and skills that are profoundly effective in helping people connect and stay connected.

         

       Communicating compassionately is something that most

of us want to do. That's because we are compassionate at heart.

At times, though, our fears, our hurts, our unmet needs, and

our lack of skills get in the way of communicating in the way

we would like to. 

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       For 30 years, I have been learning, practicing, and teaching Compassionate Communication, based on the work of

Marshall Rosenberg and Riane Eisler and Carl Rogers. The tools, and premises that underlie these tools, have had such a beneficial impact on my life. I love sharing them with others.

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       As you scroll down this page, I will introduce you to several

aspects of Compassionate Communication. I have shared this information with individuals, couples,bbusiness partners, co-ops, intentional communities and teachers all around the globe.

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Messaging

       How we make messages, send messages, and receive

messages are all aspects of communication that we don't

pay much attention to but have a big impact on whether

we will be heard and understood by one another. This

applies to communication in all languages.

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The Goal is to Connect

       Most people imagine that a communication model called Compassionate Communication would be about peace.

When people come to my classes, they are surprised when I

tell them that the goal of Compassionate Communication is

not to create peace. The goal is to make a connection.

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       The first goal of any communication is to make a genuine connection with the other person(s). It is not about getting

what we want, fixing something, making something in

particular happen. When we truly connect with others,

these things often do happen, but it will be because the communicators have made a genuine connection.

 

       This is an important distinction because going into any communication with an agenda, even one like making peace,

can get in the way of connection. For example, if we go into

a communication believing that everyone must stay calm

and say only pleasant things to one another, we may connect

or we may not. If the goal is to connect, we are more likely to create that connection. That goal allows us see our common humanity - our common needs.

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How Do We Connect? Sharing Our Feelings and Needs   

       We are often not fully aware of certain distinctions, such

as the distinction between sharing thoughts (judgments, evaluations, analyses) and sharing feelings and needs (I

feel sad, I feel confused, I need more information, I need some space). This is an important distinction to understand because it can make the difference between making a good

connection or stimulating defensiveness that may lead to disconnection.

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       Most of us have been taught to make good judgments.

We are told that this ability is necessary to our survival. It's

true that some judgments are important to our survival,

such as making a judgment about whether or not we have

time to cross the street before an oncoming car reaches us.

Moral judgments, however, are not necessary when we are communicating (he's a bad person, you are insensitive). In

fact, they usually get in the way of making a connection

with another person.

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The Distinction between Needs & Strategies :

       Another helpful distinction is the distinction between

needs and strategies. This is a tough one, and also very

important in getting our needs met. Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of Nonviolent Communication, said that we are usually in conflict over our strategies, not our needs. When

we identify the needs that our strategies are trying to fill, we often find that our needs are very similar to the other person. Our strategies about how to get our needs filled, though, are often different.

 

       The longer we argue about which strategy is the best, the less connected we can feel to one another, and we sometimes end up walking away from one another, believing there is no hope of agreement.​ When we attempt to see ours, and the other person's needs, however, we often see that our needs are similar and then workable strategies rise up, organically, that meet both or all of our needs - even when this seemed like an impossibility when we started the communication.

        

       Here, I will share a great model of communication for helping us make a genuine connection It might seem a little awkward at first, but you can believe me about its beneficial effects. It has changed my life for the better in many ways.

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       This model comes from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of

many very helpful books on communicating compassionately.

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Step 1  Make an observation, rather than a judgment, analysis,

a demand, or giving advice (When you just said that I was lazy - use their words rather than your interpretation of their words),

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Step 2 - Tell the other person how you are feeling in that moment  (I feel frustrated or I feel supported),

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Step 3 - Tell the other person that you have a need in this moment (I need some appreciation for how hard I worked on the yard this morning and I need to rest my body for a while),

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Step 4 - Make a request - a positive, doable, specific request

(I need some alone time for about a half hour to recharge).

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       Can you see the potential for making a connection with

the other person with this approach -  for actually having your needs heard and met?

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       What sometimes happens is that we tend to say things

like "Give me a break. Why are you being so hard on me."

(Demand ,judgment) This approach usually doesn't create a connection with the other person and may stimulate defensiveness in the other person, making it less likely you will

be heard for what you need.

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       The four-step approach, in my experience leads to a calm communication more often than not, and to a much better 

understanding between the communicators

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       Note: If the other person says something like "Yeah, well I 

have needs, too!" go to step one of the four steps and listen to their feelings and needs. (When you said, give me a break, I wonder if you're feeling angry, because you are needing something from me. Can you tell me, specifically what you are needing and what that look like for you.)

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       The hardest thing about this approach is sticking to it, instead of falling back into old communication habits, and that just takes practice. Another issue is that most of us have very

little experience identifying our feelings and needs. But this

can also be learned and practiced.

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***New Content:

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        What about compassion for ourselves? We can also empathize with ourselves. This is one of the things that I have found so helpful over the years. Often, in order to know what we need, we must listen to ourselves. I use the model in the same way as I do with others. "Thinking about what I just heard that person say, I realize that I feel worried. I need to be heard  and I'm now worried that I may not get heard if we run this meeting the way she is suggests. What do I want to request?"

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         Using these steps often brings me to places I would have never even known about if I had gone to my head and perhaps become defensive rather than checking in with my feelings and needs. Once you know your feelings and needs, it can change the whole direction and/or energy of a conversation.

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       Play around with this model. It's kind of intriguing to see

what difference it makes in relationships (with children, spouse, friends, co-workers, boss).

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       I will be adding more to this page over time. Please check back when you get a chance.