3 Important Things I’ve Learned About Communication
Over my years as a facilitator of workshops on Compassionate Communication, I have
learned some important things about communication that I didn’t know when I started
teaching. This page describes the three most important things I learned, mostly from
observing how my students respond to me and one another.
Never Go Into Any Situation With an Inflexible Agenda
Having a plan and having an inflexible agenda are two different things. Plans keep us on
track but an agenda, especially an inflexible agenda, can interfere with our ability to
connect with one another. If we go in with an agenda, we can miss so many opportunities
to truly connect, and thus, really hear one another. And if we are not hearing one another,
we can so easily get disconnected, rather than deeply connected.
In a meeting, a classroom, or even in a conversation between two individuals, coming in
with the goal of getting what we want, or making what we want to happen the priority,
fixing problems, educating people to the to the errors of their ways or their thinking
means we are starting with an agenda. This approach usually impedes the connection we
could make and can impede the resolution of a problem.
I have witnessed, many times, that refusing to hear someone’s concern about something,
especially just to keep to an agenda, can lead to disconnection and to lost opportunities to
co-create connections and resolutions.
If people’s feelings and needs are ignored, they will remove their energy from the
conversation, by losing interest or by physically leaving. Also, when people see another
person’s feelings and needs being ignored, it can impact their ability to stay involved in the
communication as well.
Always Go Into Any Conversation with Compassion
When I am working with groups of people, I notice some interesting social beliefs that
enhance connection or create disconnection, defensiveness, and hurt feelings. Our social
“rules” are often unconscious, and I think it is important to be aware of these. One way to
be aware is to check in with ourselves to see what beliefs we are holding that lead us to
interact with others in certain ways.
For example, when we feel friendly toward a person, we speak kindly to them and often feel
compassion for them if they talk about a difficult issue. If we don’t feel friendly toward a
person, we may choose not to connect with them. What beliefs are we holding that cause us
to feel friendly or unfriendly toward them?
In most, but not all, societies, we tend to believe that, if a person has done something wrong,
they deserve to be punished to learn better behavior. That belief may lead us to speak less
compassionately to them, or to ignore them.
I have found that a couple of suggestions from the Humanistic Psychologist, Carl Rogers,
are extremely helpful for me. First, approach everyone with unconditional positive regard,
and even if they respond in a way that isn’t what you expected, just feed back to them what
you are hearing them say, rather than judge or analyze their words. This was Rogers’
definition of empathy.
This empathic approach helps us stay open to one another and allows for a richer, broader communication that often leads to wonderful places of connection.
Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Compromise
Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the communication called Nonviolent Communication
(also known as Compassionate Communication) suggests that we never give in to another
person’s requests (or demands) unless we are genuinely willing to do so. Anything less
than genuine willingness may lead to resentment, or frustration down the road.
I also heard him say “never let anyone put you in a position of either submitting or
rebelling.” So, how do we accomplish this and always stay in compassion?
Giving in or giving up often does not resolve anything in the long run. These are just
avoidance actions. But Rosenberg also suggests that we never compromise. Confusing?
The problem with compromise is that giving up on your needs is, at best, only a short-term
resolution. Unless you have had a genuine shift of need, it is hard to let go of the
disappointment and resentment you may feel if you give up something that really matters
to you.
Solution: Stay in dialogue with the other person, or people, long enough to allow a solution
to organically come to the surface because you have stayed connected, heard one another’s
needs, and concerns.
This is hard for us to do. We usually want to get out of conversations that don’t seem to be
going well as soon as possible. My experience, though, is that staying in dialogue and
hearing one another out, more often than not, ends up with a solution that works for
everyone and allows us to remain compassionate friends, partners, and co-workers.
We often make demands of others but don’t realize we are making a demand. You know how
it feels when someone makes a demand of you. Usually not comfortable. We need to
dialogue, to prevent this.
How do you know if you’re making a demand? How do you respond to the other person if
they say, “No?” If their “No” is something we are willing to hear, we have not made a
demand-we have made a genuine request. If their “No” upsets us, we have probably made
a demand.
Learning to dialogue with compassion, requests, rather than demands, and without giving
up on our needs are important life skills that have changed my relationships for the better.
